We want to live our best lives as the best versions of ourselves.  With the New Year comes a promise to accomplish something big, to do that thing we’ve been putting off.  We make a resolution.

But we shouldn’t, and here’s why…

The Problem With Resolutions

1. Resolutions (or goals) are results driven.  So, we define an outcome and then try to figure out how to get there.  This makes it a race to the finish rather than a process of productive change.
2. We make these decisions during the holidays when everything is in a state of novelty—or stress.  It’s also a time when we feel uplifted and hopeful (which is good) but we tend to trivialize the sacrifices we may have to make, and downplay how much it will change our routine.
3. We’ve been down this road before.  We didn’t achieve what we set out to do… it sucks and makes us feels like crap.  Did you beat yourself up over it?  I have!  Worse than that,  when we get down on ourselves, we reenforce that negative pattern so we don’t see the failure in the system… we just think “I” failed. 

What Do We Do Instead?

Our perception defines our reality.  Period!  So let’s “flip the script” and change how we do this.

Choose one aspect of your life you’d like to improve.  Instead of some arbitrary result,  commit to being more aware or mindful of the change you want to see on a daily basis. 

Sounds too simple?  Here’s why it works:

• Starting simple by choosing your focus is not stressful or overwhelming.
• It triggers the reticular activating system^✦ so your mind “tunes in” to information and opportunities to make the improvements toward the change you’re focussing o.n
• Instead of daunting big plans that need discipline and willpower,  just start taking advantage of the little day-to-day choices that you see.  Many little choices add up to big results.
• Every choice considered and made intentionally is a success… celebrate that.
• This way you can only improve and the results from low-stress active choices leave you feeling empowered, confident and successful.

Here’s are a couple of quick examples:

• Want to lose weight?  Focus on what you’re eating, when, and the physical activity you engage in… choosing to take that one flight of stairs or playing with the kids absolutely counts!
• Get in better shape?  Find the little moments during the day when you can take a minute to stretch or do simple calisthenic exercises. Park the car farther away from the store.  Walk to get a coffee during your break.  
• Learn a new skill?  Surround yourself with references and “cheat sheets,” quick guides that allow for micro-learning and remember to “rehearse” mentally.
• Be more present in the moment?  Start using a screen time feature, turn the color off on your phone, actively be aware/mindful of the amount of television and screen time in your life.
• Improve relationships?  Dedicate/schedule time with people without interruption.  Get them to teach you about something they love and are passionate about.  Be humble and eager to learn… you’ll both come out better for it.

This Can be a Great Year for You

This coming year will not suddenly be rainbows and unicorns and the beginning of the golden age of humanity… but it can be a very different year for you.  We can change our perception to change our choices, which ultimately changes our outcomes and reactions.  We can choose to be kind to ourselves by setting ourselves up for success, celebrating the little choices and victories that bring us closer the version of ourselves that we want to be.

✦ The Reticular Activating System is the part of your brain that in large part filters what is worthy of our attention and motivation from all the sensory input we take in.  

I saw this particular meme years ago and I saved it immediately.  It struck me as both profound and mildly comedic.   

It’s harsh but ultimately true.  I share it with you here because I believe that it provides a good jumping off point to a question that comes up a lot in relationships whether they’re budding, newly formed or well established… “Should I stay in this relationship?”

I believe there are two key factors to consider when it comes to evaluating a relationship this way… Alignment and Investment

Alignment

I’ve heard it beautifully described that the healthiest relationships are not where we hold each other up, nor the ones where we face each other and shut out the world but the ones where we face the horizon and move boldly toward it together.  This illustrates alignment beautifully.  Do our values and vision for a future we want together allow us to walk the same path hand in hand?  How many of you have experienced or seen a couple come undone because they became different people?  They may have started on the same path but slowly their paths diverged and they lost their connection… only to find themselves far away and wondering why.

The best relationship therapists and coaches will tell you time and again how important and healthy it is to book a time together and evaluate what’s going right, what’s going wrong, are we “on course” or do we need to correct or maybe even change course altogether.  It may seem uncomfortable but making the time to verify where you are and that you’re both in simpatico can make all the difference.  How often?  Some say every week, some every month, some say once a year… ultimately it’s up to you to find the timing that works for you. 

Investment

There’s a lot of talk out there about relationships should be 50/50.  I think that depends whether you’re talking about investment or outcomes.  I think Chris Rock of all people puts it best.

“People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.
No, they’re not. They’re only tough when one person’s working on it.
That’s right.  Two people could move a couch real easy.  One person can’t move it at all.” […]
“There is no equality in a relationship.  […]
When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band.
And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band.
Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine.
And if you’re on tambourine, play it right.  Play it with a fucking smile.
‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player.”

– Chris Rock: Tamborine ©2018 Netflix

He’s absolutely right about the fact that we have our roles and how we show up and contribute can be very different from day to day.  We need to be adaptive and support in the way that our partner needs.  These are outcomes or what you do… but one thing that needs to be similar is the effort and enthusiasm that we put in regardless of what role we’re playing.  Even on a bad day we need to show up, be present, engaged, open, and clear about what we need.  That is where the magic happens.  You can be fully aligned but if one person is gearing up to run while the partner is trudging along that’s going to be frustrating and off-putting for both… doesn’t make for a strong relationship.

Wrapping it up

These two factors are how I look at relationships that are not working.  In many cases coming together and having a good and open discussion can course correct so we’re walking with our partner and not the expectation we have of them in our head (a very common issue over time).  Sometimes we need to review our roles or see if there’s a disparity in the effort and enthusiasm that makes a couple feel detached.  This applies equally to parenting, business partnerships, and friendships… this is true of all relationships.  

To go back to the meme that started all of this… I’m not usually about “abandoning ship” as such.  I believe that in cases where corrections are not enough, where there are true incompatibilities, very different paths that it is for the best to gracefully and mutually bring it to an end.  Doing so is uncomfortable in the moment but definitely worth the effort in the long run and allows us closure to move forward to find those with whom we want to and do align and who we’d be happy to “play tambourine” for.

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Richard Strother is also The Widower’s Wingman.  After losing his best friend and wife in October of 2018 after 20 years together Richard decided to find a new path that put all the best of his skills to use.  After finding the most incredible relationship and helping several others do the same he started The Widower’s Wingman to continue helping men who’ve lost find their amazing and life altering relationships.

You can find Richard and more content, media and resources at http://thewidowerswingman.com  

Yeah, I’m sure You’ve noticed it too… it was the first of November when I saw those words on one of my social media feeds.  

For those who don’t know the origin… “Black Friday” is the first Friday after thanksgiving that marks the official beginning to the full-fledged Christmas shopping season.  Traditionally it was the first day of the year where most retail store ledgers would go “out of the red” and show black marking a time of profit.  The ubiquitous sales were a cleverly designed ploy to encourage this trend of spending and get people into the shopping mindset and a push to clear out less popular stock (even if it was at a loss) because people would consider the higher ticket and more profitable items since “we’re already here and they have it in stock”.

Every year however this keeps creeping up a little earlier as do the Christmas decorations around retail stores.  Why?  Because many businesses are getting increasingly desperate for your holiday spending dollars particularly as consumers at all levels pull back on their spending a little more every year. 

If I’m all about relationships why would I be talking about this trend? Because there are thee lessons this can teach us about relationships.

#1 Desperation Spells Doom

We are animals and have instincts. Despite how much we try to repress or deny that fact we can sense fear and desperation even if we can’t articulate it as such.  Many of the “Black Friday Specials” especially the early ones can have an “ick” factor about hem that is remarkably similar to a bad date.  We feel it on a primal level when we perceive that the intent is not genuinely aligned with our interests.  

What does this mean in the dating world?  Avoid the “ick” by being 100%, completely authentic; by both knowing what You offer, are looking for and that you’re meeting them where they are to discover where you both align.  Mind games, manipulation and drama are for chumps and not a winning approach. 

#2 We All Love a Bargain

It may sound silly but getting a bargain makes us feel good.  In the brain a big bargain has all the same neurological markers as our ancient ancestors got from a successful hunt.  We ventured out from our caves (even if we do so virtually) and found a worthy and valuable prize and hunted it down and best of all we did this while minimizing our losses.  That’s amazing!

Here’s something else that’s true neurologically… what we gain through strife, struggle and loss we value that much more.  We are hard wired to avoid loss before we seek gain.  This is doubly true if we “settle” for something lesser.  

What does this mean for dating?  Well, for starters, know what you value and what’s important.  Be clear and vivid about exactly what that looks like and accept nothing less.  On the same token is is critical that you understand that this will take patience and effort, it might even “suck” for a little while and that’s part of finding someone that can’t live without rather than the bargain offered.

#3 You Don’t Need to Follow the Script

Black Friday was made to hype up the shopping season.  This is a script that’s meant to drive consumerism which while still alive and well is changing for a number of reasons which I’ll not get into here because I could rant a one hundred page thesis on it.  I can and will say that people and families by and large are re-evaluating priorities and how their resources are allocated; some by necessity but many because “stuff” has become more disposable and we tend to prefer something small and meaningful rather than “stuff for stuff’s sake”. 

So how does this apply to relationships?  Relationships have changed drastically in the past 40 years.  The old script of the nuclear family with the kids, and house with the white picket fence is no longer viable.  We’re told a lot about what a conventional relationship looks like and what’s “normal”.  Things like moving in together, everything should be fifty-fifty, and other such “conventional wisdom” is all claptrap.  Talk together, find out what works for both of you.  Align expectations, make sure that those directly involved feel heard, respected and valued and make your own script.

Beyond the Hype

Dating doesn’t have to suck and relationships don’t have to be hard and yes, women and men really do need each other because we all need connection.  You can choose to follow the script, conform, fit in but I rather doubt if you’re reading this far that’s worked particularly well so far (or you know and like me).  There’s another option available… it takes guts to get out there and be open and unapologetically authentic.  To defy “conventional wisdom” and seemingly risk everything can feel tough but when you find your people and reap the rewards of that choice, it gives you the power to write your own script and be all the happier for it.

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Richard Strother is also The Widower’s Wingman.  After losing his best friend and wife in October of 2018 after 20 years together Richard decided to find a new path that put all the best of his skills to use.  After finding the most incredible relationship and helping several others do the same he started The Widower’s Wingman to continue helping men who’ve lost find their amazing and life altering relationships.